"It came from no where, like a wave in the ocean that took me under before I could stop it."
I've worked in healthcare for over 2 years now as a nurse aide. I care for patients of all sorts. Some patients are elderly, some are young, some are kind and some are mean. Most patients I have truly can't help their behavior because they have dementia or some other condition that affects their mind.
I couldn't tell you how many patients that I have had, I just know it's been a lot. I've met many wonderful people that have truly left beautiful marks on my life but then there are the select few that manage to leave me with memories that can sometimes be traumatizing.
The other night I had a patient that wasn't unlike others that I have had before. He screamed a lot and was confused which was all something that he couldn't help. It wasn't bothering me because I truly do understand. I provided comfort as I could and even prayed with him and he finally went to sleep with a smile on his face. He slept well all night and I truly believe that God gave that man rest that night because his poor mind really needed it.
However, morning came around 5AM and the fight was on so to speak. He was angry and yelling at the nurse. I was trying to so hard to stay out of the situation and allow the nurse to do what she could until she asked for my help. I was sitting in the nurses station and for the first time in years my PTSD from trauma that I went through as a young adult was triggered. I found myself fighting back tears and trying to just force myself to breathe. I kept reminding myself that this didn't even have anything to do with me, it was okay, I deal with this all the time.
To be honest, I have no idea what part of this situation triggered me. I really do see this all the time in my career. I felt so weak and broken, like I was crazy. I left work feeling like I was dead inside.
I came home and curled up next to my husband and told him to just hold me tight until I fell asleep.
I woke up and I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was drowning. All of the emotions that I had bottled up for years was pouring out and I couldn't stop it. I just kept saying 'I'm crazy". I'm 31 years old and I've never experienced anything like this.
My husband held me for hours and just let me cry it out. After my storm had finally calmed, my precious little puppy daughter curled up next to me as if she knew I was feeling so broken.
Today is a new day. I feel some of the weight lifted from my chest but I'm still so confused on what triggered me so much that I lost control.
I love my job. I love taking care of people. I can't imagine living a life where I wasn't helping others. So, now I have to find what this trigger is and conquer it so this doesn't happen again. I have to find some way to bury this part of me so that I can keep going.
Am I the only one like this? Am I the only one going through this?
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